St. Valentine’s Day—February 14, 2022

The awesome Valentine who will love and cherish you always is closer than you think. They will champion all your dreams and love you for exactly who you are. 

Valentine’s Day can be particularly raw when we are separated or divorced.

We may interpret our singleness on St. Valentine’s Day as a sort of public humiliation because we are alone, and therefore, we may feel not loved, and perhaps unlovable.

I want to assure you this is not your problem. Our culture champions coupling, thus insecurity about being unpartnered can be felt as “single shame”, the notion that we are somehow defective if we are single.

I’m offering all divorced and divorcing women out there, total permission to debunk your own provider myth, and become a self-referenced woman.

The conviction that a woman could be self-referenced (and self-partnered) is still radical. By self-referenced, I mean someone who provides their validation, approval, and purpose from their own construct of personal values. Single men are expected to be self-referenced, lucky bachelors, who are not defined by the women in their lives. Yet women have been acculturated to establish our worth from the validation of others.

This is why single women are still subjected to so much scrutiny. It’s just another aspect of society’s fear of the totally sufficient female. And it’s ridiculous. 

Clients have told me that being single makes them feel like a loser. I know I’ve been there! Early in my divorce journey, I would see myself as pathetic because I didn’t have three awesome suitors beating down my door. Where did I get that misconception from?

I bought in to the epic female fallacy that my value came from my desirability in the eyes of others.

So, that amazing Valentine who will love and cherish you forever…who will never let you down. That valentine is YOU! 

In the book I’ve written about Divorce-Transformation, I share my own story about how I learned to become the one I can count on to never betray myself in any way every again. I’m certain you will have your very own divorce-transformation story to tell. And I want to hear it!

Being self-referenced and self-partnered will not prevent you from finding a wonderful mate. On the contrary— you can definitely have both! And a woman who knows how to consistently fill her own well can find a great love.

This Valentine’s Day I want to assure you that you are loved, desired, and cherished. From yourself, from your higher power…it really doesn’t matter where you decide to feel loved from. Yet I can tell you this: unconditional, unapologetic, unequivocally solid love is out there. And it’s out there for you.