You are the Only One that You Can Count on to Never Abandon You in Any Way Ever Again
How do we cease to self-abandon?
It’s a million small decisions we make each day.
Turning 60 this week (in Yosemite!) gave me a chance to reflect on what I’ve learned in my one precious life so far.
So this may sound funny, but the greatest accomplishment I can claim is learning to have my own back no matter what. This has been a lifelong journey. I wasn’t raised with this notion, and I’m guessing that’s also true for most of you.
Self-validation and ability to identify and meet our needs overtly is not something most of us were taught how to do.
It didn’t happen fast for me, but once I realized this was the goal, the process of choosing to validate my own needs, no matter what, began to make sense.
Of course the test is in learning to self-validate, and act on behalf of your needs when you are scared or insecure or anxious or full of self-doubt. It’s a radical notion that there is no ostensible reason for us to not come to our own aid.
We cease to self-abandon by calming our inner critic, and by massaging our worry with self-soothing self-talk. (Even out loud!)
It’s taking seriously the management of our own: nutrition, sleep (including the hour needed to become ready to sleep), fitness, and how we engage in the present moment.
It’s in treating the moments of our lives as if we matter and count at least as much as anything else, which includes providing ourselves enough time to live at the pace we are meant to.
It’s giving yourself permission to change hair stylists, plumbers, even snow plow guys if it’s not working. To only frequent grocery stores where they are happy you showed up.
If we struggle with alcohol or chemical dependency we can find a program and a therapist and a sponsor that will help us learn to cope with and manage our lives more effectively.
If we have a leaky relationship with money we can find experts who understand that managing money can be a fun game—where earning, saving and spending wisely can build your financial self-efficacy and self-esteem.
We cease two self abandon by learning wise and compassionate ways to communicate with the people in our lives, because we feel better about ourselves when we do it that way.
I ask myself what action will make me most proud of my behavior? That’s another way I cease to self-abandon.
I’ve learned draw boundaries that respect my integrity, my emotions, my physical and spiritual needs. And so can you.
This morning I had a choice. I could act from the integrity of my values and feel proud of myself afterward, or I could tell myself a story and stray from my values—rationalizing an “easier choice”.
I realized pretty quickly the easier choice would not have been easier on my self-esteem or conscience. At a certain point in one’s life consciously going against what you know would give you strength is no longer an option.
Being committed to self-validation does not assume you’re never going to self-sabotage or put your foot in your mouth again. Ceasing to self-abandon simply means that when it happens, you have the tools to bring yourself back with kindness and meet your needs directly (instead of beating yourself up incessantly).
“What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~ Mary Oliver.
You cease to self abandon by taking the time to investigate what motivates you by finding a cause for living that is worthy of steering your life by. If the cause is worthy of your full attention, all of the other petty crap in your mind literally falls away because your purpose is so compelling and life-giving—galvanizing of your energy.
And as I moved into my new career as a clinical psychotherapist and ontological coach, it became absolutely clear that my mission in life is to champion and root for those in my care.
This mission would wake my up heart, soul, spirit and body…..bringing all the stray parts set my being together to synthesize my actions and operate as a highly purposeful unit.
When you align your purpose with your personality nothing can touch you.
—Gary Zukov
Once we find our purpose we—figuring out how to do it from the “full well” supplies the richness of a self-validating mission.
A painful trial and error process taught me about the right balance between work and pleasure making more room for joy, introspection, rest and surrender. I had to learn to stop taking my own needs for granted and position well-being at the center point of my life.
That was a really tough time, though today I am so grateful for the lessons, even the hard part, because now I have this great new skill—true balance.
We cease to self-abandon when we learn to be curious instead of right, because it takes far less energy and brings much more joy and connection into our lives.
I cease to abandon myself when I stop resisting change. When I stop fighting with life. When I recognize that my happiness is not about controlling every outcome, but about managing my attitude regarding the outcomes that occur.
This doesn’t mean I don’t take deliberate action towards outcomes I desire. It just means that I am flexible toward what comes to me in pursuit of those goals. Trusting that very often, if not always, the universe has a better plan in store for me.
When I finally learned to embrace the concept of impermanence, or everything I cannot control, then and there everything in my life changed forever. No more living from fear and resistance. No more feeling victimized by life ever. And let me just say it’s an amazing feeling.
You see it really is a million small decisions we make each day. And by the way, this radical way of living is not available just to me, it’s available to you and to everyone.
Steadily, momentarily, and joyfully positioned in Sebastopol, California,
❤️
Margo